Tomorrow will go down in history as the first day in my life where I’ll probably be looking for an excuse not to go to the barn and an excuse to not ride.
Im ready to go home and just have a break from horses altogether. Im scared, I feel like a sack of potatoes and I’m just done, I don’t want in the saddle right now at all. I feel stuck with horses more than anything and that’s not what it’s supposed to feel like. I don’t even feel the ambition to do better. The only horse I can learn on is sunshine and she’s terrifying to me now. Just the idea of riding her makes me start shaking. I can’t learn to do better on a horse I’m scared to make mistakes on. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix my mistakes. I don’t even know what my mistakes are anymore, this instruction im getting is so muddled and it’s just everything thrown at me at once. I’m so scared and right now all I want to do is sleep but I cant stop crying and panicking and feeling scared. I. just. Want. To. Sleep.
Please, body, let me sleep.
Skipping the barn tomorrow.. but Friday I’m going to try out that one thing that miiiight just change how Sunshine acts.. that is unfortunately her hormone shot, but online research as well as conversation with my vet both agree that there are no recorded adverse effects.. it’s just not something I would do under normal circumstances. The upside is that my vet tells me Sunshine seems more comfortable in all aspects of life without making her “dopey” at all..
The weird thing is that her hormone shot is the horse version of the same drug as my birth control shot. Buuut that makes me a little bit reassured, because I’m very happy with my shots & how it controls my periods, cramps, moodiness.. idk. It’s not what I necessarily want but my vet highly recommends it… If it makes her more comfortable and doesn’t do any harm, I guess I can’t say no just because I’ve got personal preferences. Not when my safety and her comfort could be at risk.
of course if I see no change, I won’t have her stay on the injection. I’m just keeping you guys updated on my thought processes. My gears are turning and I just really need to try this and see if it helps. She’s been on this before with success but they took her off because they thought she didn’t need it. Maybe she didn’t, but maybe now that the weather’s starting to change she need it more? I don’t know.
It just makes me sad that it’s an extra expense I have to consider, and it just feels like it’s going to set me back so much in the process of trying to bring this fucking horse home.
Thank you, it’s definitely on my mind a lot. I have one more thing that I do know has been a factor that’s changed that I just realized that I’m going to try to rule out before I totally write her off.. but either way I think my goal is to still get her out of there one way or another… it’s just very difficult financially to change things like this. but my thought is maybe get her more into the event scene. she’s such a bored horse just doing arena work day in day out. Thanks anon, youre the type of anon I can appreciate lol
Thanks for the anonymous assumption that I’ve already pretty much drawn up and stated.
My issue is that I’ve ridden my horse absolutely fine in the past and I’m trying to figure out what changed that made her so difficult and reactive.
"an amateur without serious experience" — you don’t know me. I have significant experience as a rider. Thanks. Everyone who isn’t a professional rider is an amateur. If you aren’t a paid, certified, insured instructor/trainer/clinician etc, you are also an amateur rider. Know what you’re saying before you say it.
I’m so mad at my trainer right now.
I get it, I did stuff wrong that made Sunshine want to kick out and I didn’t handle that well enough. But I don’t see how it’s justifiable or safe that Sunshine reacted how she did. i didn’t fuck up THAT bad. I did NOT fuck up enough to warrant a rear and a leap through the air and a runaway. I did NOT. I’m not gullible enough to believe that. I want to know what the fuck changed with my horse that made her so insane. She was soo rideable last time I was here. I don’t understand and it’s so frustrating. I feel like I’m getting half of the truth here and it’s driving me insane.
I was with a “trainer” (I call her this for a very legitimate reason) who only keeps absentee owners because she gets away with never riding or working her horses, and only owners that are never there don’t notice. I would seriously reevaluate your trainer and make sure she’s actually being worked/ridden, especially with such a drastic change from last time you saw her. Is there anyone out there you trust to kind of spy on her?
I feel like I’m getting really shitty treatment from her in a lot of ways so I’m definitely trying to reevaluate. I just don’t have money to bring her home right now, I’m so stuck with her. i could go on forever about what she’s done that’s just added up over time and gotten more and more frustrating. i don’t want to call Sunshine dangerous because in my opinion this last ride is NOT who she is, this isn’t the horse I know, but she’s convinced my family to buy one horse and lease another; the one we bought was incredibly dangerous and I could have easily been killed on him & we do not have him any more, and the one we leased was owned by these psychos who single handedly destroyed my confidence which I’ve barely gotten back. It’s just insanity that I let her get away with these things and I’m kicking myself now.
I don’t trust anyone out there to give an unbiased opinion on whether she’s truly doing her job. I don’t know what to do, there’s no right answer. if I bring her home I’m in danger, if I keep her there, I have no clue what’s being done to her, and I don’t know/trust any trainers to send her to either, and nobody would want to take Sunshine on in the state she’s in right now. I feel really trapped.